Perfect
by Lune Rave
Summary: Based on Simple Plan's Perfect - Goku recalls his tragic past with Sanzo. I'm not good with summaries so please just read it. R & R! - (My first Saiyuki fic ever)


**Author's Note**: Hi guys! This is my first Saiyuki fic ever and of course it's about my fave pair which is none other than SanzoGoku! I've read a lot of fics and I mean a LOT of fics 'bout them since I'm really crazy with their pairing. They're just so cute together! Anyway, this one's a drama and a really sad fic. I really can't understand myself but I usually think of sad fics. Well, I hope this turns out good. This is based from Simple Plan's newest song, "Perfect". I know the song's for parents but since Goku looks up to Sanzo as one, I'm applying this song. Hope you like it!

**Disclaimer**: Saiyuki and Perfect, sadly doesn't belong to me. They just do every night when I go to sleep...^-^

**"Perfect"**

**_by Lune RaVe_**

Golden eyes fluttered open to the sound of soothing music playing in the background. The night was cold and quiet save for the faint sound of crickets singing and the radio playing. The teen on the bed stared blankly at the ceiling of his room, his eyes betraying the meaning of its color. Gold, which stands for light and joy where shadowed in black showing sorrow and pain. Light tapping sounds by the windowsill caught his attention. Gazing at the window, he saw small droplets of water form on the pane. It was drizzling and soon it will rain. 

_'This weather...it reminds me so much of the past. He hated it a lot... and now, so do I...'_ he thought as he continued to stare at the rain getting heavier and heavier each minute. Behind him, the radio continued playing. It seemed odd since maybe the right term for it was talking since the Dj was saying something about this certain song.

[And now folks, we have a new song here from the famous band Simple Plan entitled Perfect. Hope you enjoy...] The music started playing and its simple notes appeared to have beckoned the teen for its attention, which it successfully attained. Goku never understood why but the music somewhat relates to him. As the first parts of the lyrics were played, he slowly came to realize why it affected him so much. The song was his story; his past story he can never forget especially with a blond monk involved in it. He took that opportunity to go with the flow and let the memories seep in his mind once more...

_Hey dad look at me  
Think back and talk to me  
Did I grow up according to plan?  
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?  
But it hurts when you disapprove all along_

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**~Goku's POV~**

I remember how Sanzo and I first met. Back then when I was still locked up in Mt. Kaka and he saved me. He became my sun. Since then, he took me in with him. He took care of me and helped me understand everything I needed to. I thought all along that finally, I have found someone to love me and help me but it turned out I was wrong...

As our journey to the west started, all we had thought about was our mission and a little fun of course. Being my energetic self, all I had in mind were fighting and food. Basically, that was really all. I never wanted anything more in the world. All I knew they would simply make up my everything. I would live with these right? But Sanzo, he never understood my complex personality. I still remember his words very clearly.

"Is that all you can think about saru? Food and fighting? If you really want to fight badly, go and find Homura. We don't need you here anyway."

Is that what you really think Sanzo? Is fighting really wrong for me to do when it's for the good of others? Why do I always turn out wrong? Am I really a good-for-nothing-stomach-brained monkey like Gojyo said? Why can't you agree with me sometimes? You fight and eat too. It's normal in this kind of world. But why Sanzo? D'you really hate me for being like this? I don't know what you really want me to become. I never knew your expectations since you never told me, what more to meet them? I'm sorry Sanzo for being a burden. I can never be what you had imagined to have. I may look so strong but deep inside I'm weak. You hate weak people who needs your support right? If that's the case...

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_And now I try hard to make it  
I just want to make you proud  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
I can't pretend that  
I'm alright  
And you can't change me_

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But even after realizing my mistakes, I never gave up. I thought that maybe, somehow, I could let you accept me. I could be stronger for you. I will do anything just so you won't be annoyed with me anymore. I want you to be proud of me even just once, that's why I give out the best I could to satisfy your standards. But have I? Was my all enough for you?

As I watch you fight these days, another realization hit me. I'm not worthy for you and you are not worthy for me. I can never be like you. All I wanted from you was love and affection. I know I would never gain the love I wanted but at least I wished you cared for me. You never showed me. Hakkai told me you cared for me more than anybody else did, but how would I believe you when you always wanted me away from you. Before, you told me that you never wanted a pet but just company. I was touched I should say, but soon all your words faded. You returned to the old Sanzo I knew. Sanzo, can't you see, actions speak louder than words. I don't care about sweet and touching words, what I want is simply for you to show me, even just with the simplest acts, I would be satisfied. But you never did...

I love you so much Sanzo. D'you even know that? I always wished that you would return my love but I know it's hopeless. Besides, I'm not worthy of your affection. I can never satisfy you and you'll just be fed up with me. That's why, even though it hurt, I gave it all up. I even cried for you. Remember you even caught me one night? 

"Oi saru. Why are you crying?"

"Sa-Sanzo! What are you doing here?" I asked wiping my tears while slowly standing up. Unfortunately, my legs gave way and I fell. You caught me and lifted me up to a standing position. "Gomen."

"Oi, you still didn't answer my question. Why are you crying?"

"Iie. Nandemonai." A lie. A big fat lie. If only you knew Sanzo. I was crying for you. I thought you knew how to read minds but why can't you see my pain? But at least, you know that, somehow, I am hurting. I can't pretend to you. You just know me too well and sometimes that hurts. You know me yet you do nothing to help me. I slowly back off and head for the door. "Gomen. That was nothing really. I'll go to sleep now. Promise I won't disturb you. Oyasumi." With that, I left and closed the door silently behind me.

I've been assuming so much things lately that sometimes it even came to me that Hakkai was more deserving of your love. I don't even know if he has feelings for you but I guess you would accept someone like him instead of me. Seeing you happy, even though it's not me already makes me happy. I would endure everything just for you. That's how much I love you. But there is one thing I can never do. I can never change. I am me. If you love me, please accept me for me...

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_'Cuz we lost it all   
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and   
We can't go back  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect_

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I endured every single pain I felt. I endured them all. But after our mission of killing Gyumao, I wasn't able to take it anymore. That was why I disappeared, or rather, I ran away. I still remember hearing your voices looking for me. Am I just imagining things or did I really hear a tone of desperation in your voice? 

"Goku! Goku! Where are you?!" Hakkai.

"Oi saru! Come out! Stop hiding from us! Goku!" Gojyo.

"GOKU! GOKU! Come back! Goku!" And finally, Sanzo.

You were looking for me I know that. But it's just too late Sanzo. I can never turn back anymore. You'll just hurt me and I'll just hurt you. I'm sorry. It was my entire fault. If only I tried my best, If only I listened to you, If only you just never found me. So many ifs. The rain was pouring hard that day too. I guess I made another reason why you will hate the rain. I'm sorry Sanzo. Even though I'm already gone, I still hurt you. Since then, I also hated the rain for it reminds me of every pain I've caused you, every mistake I've done, and the big wound bleeding in me heart. I'm sorry...

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_I try not to think  
About the pain I feel inside  
Did you know you used to be my hero?  
All the days you spend with me  
Now seem so far away  
And it feels like you don't care anymore_

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After that incident, I spent the rest of my life in a secluded but civilized area of Togenkyo known as Hokkaido. [1] The place was beautiful and the scenery was breathtaking. An old couple who pitied on me took me in. They said they never had a child and I could act as theirs. They were rich but very kind. I stayed in their huge mansion for 2 years. I loved the place so much. They taught me a lot of things and they treated me for who I am. They never got fed up of my appetite and my genki attitude. In fact, they were so fond of it. Back then, I tried to forget, but everything returned when one rainy night, they died of a car accident. I was left all alone once again. Their entire wealth was left to me but I didn't know what to do with it. So, I decided to take up classes and settled in one small room of the mansion. One year had passed and still memories were very fresh.

I continued to focus on my studies trying hard to forget every past memory but the more I do, the more they haunt me. I remember back then that whenever I had nightmares of Seiten Taisei, Konzen, Kenren, Tenpou, and Nataku, you were always there. You allowed me to stay in your room even though I would just stay in the floor. I was already contented with that but when our journey started, you changed. You no longer allowed me to do that. I know you knew I was having a nightmare but you did nothing. You don't know how scared I was. I always deemed you as my sun but I guess every sun sure has its own setting. And in the same way, after I left, I felt cold since the sun that shone brightly for me has long been gone. It now remains a memory.

Usually, when I'm all alone like this, I think. I reminiscence of the past. I try to remember every good you've caused me instead of the pain. But it felt odd. It seems that every good memory has slipped away and the only ones I remember are the pain and suffering. Or is it just because you caused more hurt to me than joy? I tried to bury it back in my memory and pull out the good ones but it seems hopeless. Sanzo, what have you really caused me? Pain or Happiness?

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_And now I try hard to make it   
I just want to make you proud   
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
I can't stand another fight  
And nothing's alright_

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 3 years had passed since I've run away till the present. Now, I'm striving my best to achieve a really good title or honor. I want to bring up my town's name and let it be known. I also want other people to recognize my abilities. I don't want to remain broken all my life. But most of all, I'm doing this to make HIM proud. Even though I'm no longer with him, I want him to be proud of me for the things I've achieved. I want him to see I can do a lot of things being only myself. This is me Sanzo. This is me. 

Recently, after all these years, I saw you. but it was not in Hokkaido. I came to Changan for a few needs when I suddenly ran into you. I knew at once it was you. You never changed. You still had that beautiful blond hair and droopy violet eyes. But I knew at that moment, something was wrong. You no longer had that same effect on me you always had. To me, you look like an ordinary person already. Is this the effect of time? Without any further notice, you grab my arm and pull me to the temple to have this private talk. All the time, I never look at you for I know my eyes would betray me. I don't want to come back. 

_'Cuz we lost it all   
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and   
We can't go back  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect_

"Goku." Your voice, it still doesn't change. But do I hear right? Sadness, it envelopes your voice. No, I'm just imagining things. This can't be.

"Goku." You call my name again. This time I look up. I never expected what I saw. You were crying. But why? 

"Sanzo..."

"Goku, where have you been? I've been looking for you for 3 years now. You don't know how worried I was!" You run to me and hug me tightly. I don't know how to react but it feels strange, I don't feel anything at all. Sanzo...I think...

"Goku, please come back. I promise I will take care of you. I won't hurt you anymore. I need you." He paused and buried his head on my shoulder. In the faintest of whispers, "I love you."

I must be dreaming! This can't be true! Sanzo loves me... but the wheel has turned the other way around. I don't love him anymore...

"Sanzo..." I push him back. He is surprised but he listens. "Why now? Why only now? D'you know how long I've been suffering, waiting to hear this from you. We were together for so long yet you only found the courage to say this now when I've already recovered. I'm sorry Sanzo...but...I don't feel anything for you anymore."

That must be a big stab in the heart for him. But that won't compare to the pain I've felt back then. I've loved you so much, with all my life Sanzo, but everything's too late. I've suffered long enough. The time when I ran away from you, all my feelings have slipped away together with that. Can't you see?

_Nothing's gonna change the things that you said  
Nothing's gonna make this right again  
Please don't turn your back  
I can't believe it's hard  
Just to talk to you  
But you don't understand_

"Goku, please..." Your voice is trembling. Please give up now Sanzo. It's no use. "We can start again. We can forget everything of the past. Now is the present, there are lot of things we can still change."

"Sanzo. It's over. Please for the both of us, stop it. I don't want to—"

You run to me and shake me hard while shouting at the top of your lungs. "Goku! Please! I'll die if you don't come back! I've lost a lot of people in my life already. I don't want to lose you completely. Please Goku..." His arms slide down and he falls on the floor. I pity seeing him like this but what can I do? I can't change my decision. This is for the both of us. I'm sorry Sanzo. If only...

"Sanzo, I'm really sorry. I have to go." With that I truly walked out of his life's door. Never to see him again...

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_'Cuz we lost it all   
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and   
We can't go back  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect_

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As the music finished playing, I noticed tears were streaming down my face. I slowly stood up and watched the last bits of rain fall on my windowpane. I touch the cold glass and close my eyes. My silent thoughts were disturbed by a knock on the door.

"Goku-san? Are you there?"

"H-Hai. What is it?" I ask wiping my tears.

"The car's ready. What time d'you want to leave?"

Oh yes I remember. I was going to visit someone today. "Now."

Immediately after wearing my black tux, I rode the car and proceeded to my destination. The drive was 2 hours from my house and the car came to a stop when we arrived a huge grassland filled with ceramic and marble plates. I move down from the car and observe my surrounding quietly. No one was around. The place was very peaceful. Just then, an old lady comes up to me.

"Care for some flowers young lad? " She asks showing her basket filled with red roses and lavenders. The color was so beautiful that it takes me back.

I smile sincerely to the lady. "Yes mam. I guess that would be perfect."

After paying my bill I set off alone to my destination. The place was not hard to find since it was just right under a blooming Sakura tree. I stop just right under it and knelt down. I carefully place the flowers on the person's gravestone. I felt a single tear slide from my eyes as I remember every memories I had with him. Time seems to have flown fast. I just saw him and here he is now all of a sudden, lying peacefully under the dirt. I spent a few more minutes there just to keep him company. Carefully standing up and ready to leave, I took a last glance at his name engraved beautifully on the marble stone. They were in the color of gold with little purple flowers as borders. The message was simple.

"In loving memory of

Genjo Sanzo

May 23, 1999

~You will forever remain in our hearts..."

Goku silently looked up to the sky and in the midst of silence he shouted, "Sorry!" to the heavens above. He knew right then and there that I was the end of everything. Every story has their end and his story with Sanzo has already found its last step...

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_'Cuz we lost it all   
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and   
We can't go back  
I'm sorry   
I can't be perfect_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*OWARI~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[1] I just can't think of a name...

**Author's Note**: How was it guys? Pretty sad wasn't it? I hope you liked it. Yes, I know Sanzo was a little OOC there but I just thought that when it comes to Goku, he can show his emotions really freely. Anyway, I hope that was a good start for me. Was it good? Please review! I really want to know! I might write again or maybe if I thought of something do a sequel for this. Although it seems impossible...Please review guys! Thank you! Mwah!

**_~Lune Rave~_**


End file.
